It is a month since I lost one of the most important person in my life....
I am angry with myself and all....
Why was I not told that he was not 'for ever'?
Why did I not tell him how much he meant to me?
Bapa, who would plan in so much detail...why did he leave us without a simple"bye"?
Was there a last few words of wisdom he wanted to convey to me when I had called last at 5 30 pm on April 7th?

The past month has been a sort of realisation to me.It has made me aware that I too have "grown up".Being the youngest I was sort of cushioned from the harsh facts of life.But now,with the protective umbrella of Bapa out of the picture,I have to fend for myself and my decisions...scary.

What I liked best about the past month was how well Sekar /Pam and Sunder/ Nan have held fort. Pramila vahini stepped in quietly and helped Amma with simple acts which Bapa used to do for Amma(hanging the clothes to dry etc.)Nandita vahini hugged Amma during one of her solitary inconsolate moods. Sekar taking the patience to repeat to her the nth time,how that fateful day went by(minute by minute).Sunder helped her reconcile to her sorrow by talking it
out with him.

These moments are etched in my memory .Whom do I tell this?How do I tell this to Bapa?Can this message go to him and pacify him that his better half is in safe hands?
Thoughts race as I try to harness them.Maybe they are incoherent,but I presume I am given that liberty as my mental frame of mind is yet to stablise after this life altering incident.

Prabha